Fighting Through Devastation

I've always been a flirty girl with the boys, even when I've been spoken for I tend to flirt, it's just part of who I am...in my nature you might say. Most of the time I have no idea I'm doing it and I think that's why I've gotten good results...when I'm actively making an effort to flirt it looks like I'm trying too hard and the other person just kind of walks away. No biggie, whatever.

Yesterday at work we had two guys working on the AC, they've been in and out since Friday. There's the usual guy, we've become pretty good acquaintances...we chat about life and family and stuff and he usually asks me when my next trip to Wilmington will be...he's older and married and not of interest to me as anything other than someone to be nice to at work. Then there's the new-ish guy. He's come in to work on the AC before but not often. He's younger (27 to be exact) and he looks okay. Well pretty much all day he was very actively flirting with me...it was pretty obvious. It was also slightly flattering. He's a nice enough guy and it was fun talking to him but I've come to the conclusion that I'm still OH SO not ready to move on.

I spoke to him about how I had talked to the usual guy about the AC in my house and how it's so freaking hot upstairs and what his suggestions were. He said that instead of talking to him, here give me a piece of paper, and wrote down his number. He made it sound like if I ever had any AC questions I should call him up...but really he just sat there and grinned like a fool and continued the flirt fest. I didn't really think about it too much because I'm just not interested. And then as I was leaving work and got into my car, I started thinking about it...and the more I thought about it the sadder I got and the harder it was for me not to cry. GOOD GRIEF! What the heck is wrong with me?? Why am I crying because some dude gave me his phone number??

Nathan and I spent the weekend together last week, a post is still pending on that one because I'm waiting for my pictures to be ready. We went hiking to Hanging Rock and spent the whole weekend together, talking and laughing and it felt like absolutely nothing had changed...minus the little things like he didn't hold my hand in the car like he used to and he didn't kiss me...AS MUCH. And I knew I wasn't over him and he knows it too but I still wanted that time with him so badly but then a guy hits on me and suddenly I'm devastated again.

I miss Nate. I miss having him around, I miss missing him every day and waiting for his phone call each night. I miss the anticipation of each visit and all the fun exciting things we did together. I miss how it was so obvious that I was happy in love that people didn't just give me their phone numbers willy nilly. I've blogged about many a lost boyfriend in the past (most of those were on my Myspace blog but they're still there) but going back and looking it over and searching through those past emotions, I've never missed someone this much. I've always found it pretty easy whenever a new guy came along to just jump right back into the saddle...but not this time. This time it's different and it hurts so much more. This time I pray each night that the Lord will help me make it through another day without him and that maybe some day things will work out. I know that's so girly but I just can't help it. I'm still so freaking heart broken and it's not getting better like before.