Trust In The Lord
You know how sometimes you feel as though if you never say something out loud it wont ever come true? Sadly it didn't work. I am single...something I prayed I would never have to go through again.
The Short of it is, I started dating a guy with years of unresolved issues going on in his life and we added to that long list of problems a long distance relationship. Things were fantastic for so long that I just knew we could work through anything and that once we made it through the two years of being apart and he got into school in Chapel Hill that we could conquer anything and everything together. Unfortunately, he didn't see it that way. He had so many other struggles going on that trying to overcome the issues of a long distance relationship just made everything that much harder. There's a lot more to it but that's all I'm willing to share with the world at large. Right now as it stands we haven't given up on a relationship happening again...but for the time being he's got a lot of crap he's got to wade through on his own before adding another person into it.
Something incredibly personal that I do want to share is my week long struggle to make it to the weekend with my sanity in tact. We argued Sunday night and pretty much broke up over the phone but I told him no, that he couldn't, we needed to talk through this stuff face to face and hang on till the weekend until we can really work out some stuff together. My sadness and tears really seemed to convince him to wait till the weekend to make up his mind. As soon as we got off the phone I began praying...and didn't stop all week. I prayed for guidance among other things, I went to sleep praying Sunday night and woke up praying Monday morning. I am the kind of person that doesn't live in silence...can't live in silence...I have my stereo on in the shower, while I get ready for work, in my car, literally everywhere I go I have noise. Last week I took a sabbatical from sound and I used that time to pray and listen to the spirit. On Thursday morning I decided I wanted to fast as well. A little known fact, I haven't fasted more than 5 times in my entire life, sad but true. I began the morning with a prayer and ended the evening with another one...bawling like a baby the entire time.
I don't want you to think I was doing all this praying to try and convince God that I knew what was right for my life or anything like that...and I wont tell you in detail what I did pray for...but I will tell you that I did pray for guidance and endurance to make it through whatever came and I also plead my case as well and I had some of the most overwhelming feelings ever. Saturday when we finally talked through things there was a point where I was wrapped in his arms, both of us with tears in our eyes, that I had the most calming feeling ever and something said you're not done. To say I'm clinging to that like a life raft in the stormy sea would be an understatement. I know it's not smart, but I also know this isn't over.
Something he said gives me hope as well. As we finally parted ways on Sunday night, the realization that we were no longer going to be together hit me like a load of bricks and I couldn't hold back the tears. When he realized I was crying tears came to his eyes, he sat on Steph's couch next to me with his arm around me and said "We have to say goodbye, for now. I have to figure my shit out. But my mom would say 'trust in the Lord'." To hear that from him means more than a lot of people would understand. I began to cry harder and said "Oh you don't believe in that", to which I got the response "that's just because I'm so hurt and jaded that I don't know how to trust in anything anymore, but that doesn't mean that I don't believe she's right."
Maybe at this point I've shared too much, but just know this... I don't believe this is a lasting separation. I'm not done praying and I'm not done trusting in the Lord.
From a Friend: God is not afraid of our foolish hopes and dreams. He rejoices in them. He believes in the impossible and empowers us to do the same. Just think of all the times he asked a prophet to stretch out his hand to do something beyond the natural.
The Short of it is, I started dating a guy with years of unresolved issues going on in his life and we added to that long list of problems a long distance relationship. Things were fantastic for so long that I just knew we could work through anything and that once we made it through the two years of being apart and he got into school in Chapel Hill that we could conquer anything and everything together. Unfortunately, he didn't see it that way. He had so many other struggles going on that trying to overcome the issues of a long distance relationship just made everything that much harder. There's a lot more to it but that's all I'm willing to share with the world at large. Right now as it stands we haven't given up on a relationship happening again...but for the time being he's got a lot of crap he's got to wade through on his own before adding another person into it.
Something incredibly personal that I do want to share is my week long struggle to make it to the weekend with my sanity in tact. We argued Sunday night and pretty much broke up over the phone but I told him no, that he couldn't, we needed to talk through this stuff face to face and hang on till the weekend until we can really work out some stuff together. My sadness and tears really seemed to convince him to wait till the weekend to make up his mind. As soon as we got off the phone I began praying...and didn't stop all week. I prayed for guidance among other things, I went to sleep praying Sunday night and woke up praying Monday morning. I am the kind of person that doesn't live in silence...can't live in silence...I have my stereo on in the shower, while I get ready for work, in my car, literally everywhere I go I have noise. Last week I took a sabbatical from sound and I used that time to pray and listen to the spirit. On Thursday morning I decided I wanted to fast as well. A little known fact, I haven't fasted more than 5 times in my entire life, sad but true. I began the morning with a prayer and ended the evening with another one...bawling like a baby the entire time.
I don't want you to think I was doing all this praying to try and convince God that I knew what was right for my life or anything like that...and I wont tell you in detail what I did pray for...but I will tell you that I did pray for guidance and endurance to make it through whatever came and I also plead my case as well and I had some of the most overwhelming feelings ever. Saturday when we finally talked through things there was a point where I was wrapped in his arms, both of us with tears in our eyes, that I had the most calming feeling ever and something said you're not done. To say I'm clinging to that like a life raft in the stormy sea would be an understatement. I know it's not smart, but I also know this isn't over.
Something he said gives me hope as well. As we finally parted ways on Sunday night, the realization that we were no longer going to be together hit me like a load of bricks and I couldn't hold back the tears. When he realized I was crying tears came to his eyes, he sat on Steph's couch next to me with his arm around me and said "We have to say goodbye, for now. I have to figure my shit out. But my mom would say 'trust in the Lord'." To hear that from him means more than a lot of people would understand. I began to cry harder and said "Oh you don't believe in that", to which I got the response "that's just because I'm so hurt and jaded that I don't know how to trust in anything anymore, but that doesn't mean that I don't believe she's right."
Maybe at this point I've shared too much, but just know this... I don't believe this is a lasting separation. I'm not done praying and I'm not done trusting in the Lord.
From a Friend: God is not afraid of our foolish hopes and dreams. He rejoices in them. He believes in the impossible and empowers us to do the same. Just think of all the times he asked a prophet to stretch out his hand to do something beyond the natural.
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