Stagnant
I have become slightly stagnant on here. I apologize. My personal life is going through some struggles and I'm not sure where I am most of the time. I think of things that would make lovely blogs and hilarious diatribes but then something happens and it becomes lost from my mind.
I feel like I have been on the most gut wrenching roller coaster ride as of late and my knuckles are bone white with the effort of hanging in there. My eyes seem to be red more often than clear and the emotional effort involved in trying not to cry seems to be wearing away.
To say that we become different people when we are part of a relationship is an understatement. Things in our personality change. When you're single you have to be confident and bold and stand out in a crowd to get noticed. When you're half of a couple you're not trying to make people notice you and so your demeanor will change. I've noticed it with not only myself but pretty much everyone I've seen from single to dating to engaged to married. The problem is you're no longer the person that caught the eye of that other half, not completely. Now your effort must be put into figuring out if you and that other half are going to work as a whole...what does it take to be able to do that? I'm still not sure. Let me tell you briefly about myself in this relationship:
I love when we go out together alone, walks on the beach are my favorite.
When his arms are wrapped around me I feel like there is no one else in the world but us.
I make a conscious effort to do sweet little things that will mean something to him...from thoughtful birthday gifts to an end of the semester care package.
I make compromises and end up having the time of my life (small example: I would rather have spent Valentines day alone with my boyfriend but he wanted to go out with a group of his friends I barely know to play laser tag and bowl and mini golf...I went because it was something he wanted to do and it ended up being a great memory and a lot of fun)
When he was no longer able to come here to see me I made every effort to save my money so I could make more trips to see him.
When he wanted to introduce me to his children, I was so scared but so excited. I've loved every second we've spent together just the four of us.
I've made room in my heart not just for one man but for three people.
I have tolerated our petty arguments because I've seen them for what they are, I bite my tongue when God knows that's the hardest thing for me to do EVER.
I've made changes to who I am, but never just because he said I should, only because I've seen that they are things that will make me a better person in the long run, things I've only been able to see through his eyes...no matter how many other people have tried to explain them.
I have prayed for guidance more in the last 10 months than I have ever done before, finding myself turning to my Heavenly Father to help me through the things I don't understand because it's so hard being with someone who's been through more emotionally than I'm sure I'll ever have to go through.
I have been happy, sad, mad, disappointed, heartbroken, depressed, ecstatic, thrilled, and all other manner of emotions.
I think about my future, can I see him in it? Yes.
Why is this so hard then? Why does the distance make everything so much more difficult to bear? Why is it that seeing each other every other weekend feels like we're hitting the restart button each time? Why do I feel so helpless lately? It's going to be a very long week and I'm not sure that I will come out of it on top. I really need your prayers this week.
I feel like I have been on the most gut wrenching roller coaster ride as of late and my knuckles are bone white with the effort of hanging in there. My eyes seem to be red more often than clear and the emotional effort involved in trying not to cry seems to be wearing away.
To say that we become different people when we are part of a relationship is an understatement. Things in our personality change. When you're single you have to be confident and bold and stand out in a crowd to get noticed. When you're half of a couple you're not trying to make people notice you and so your demeanor will change. I've noticed it with not only myself but pretty much everyone I've seen from single to dating to engaged to married. The problem is you're no longer the person that caught the eye of that other half, not completely. Now your effort must be put into figuring out if you and that other half are going to work as a whole...what does it take to be able to do that? I'm still not sure. Let me tell you briefly about myself in this relationship:
I love when we go out together alone, walks on the beach are my favorite.
When his arms are wrapped around me I feel like there is no one else in the world but us.
I make a conscious effort to do sweet little things that will mean something to him...from thoughtful birthday gifts to an end of the semester care package.
I make compromises and end up having the time of my life (small example: I would rather have spent Valentines day alone with my boyfriend but he wanted to go out with a group of his friends I barely know to play laser tag and bowl and mini golf...I went because it was something he wanted to do and it ended up being a great memory and a lot of fun)
When he was no longer able to come here to see me I made every effort to save my money so I could make more trips to see him.
When he wanted to introduce me to his children, I was so scared but so excited. I've loved every second we've spent together just the four of us.
I've made room in my heart not just for one man but for three people.
I have tolerated our petty arguments because I've seen them for what they are, I bite my tongue when God knows that's the hardest thing for me to do EVER.
I've made changes to who I am, but never just because he said I should, only because I've seen that they are things that will make me a better person in the long run, things I've only been able to see through his eyes...no matter how many other people have tried to explain them.
I have prayed for guidance more in the last 10 months than I have ever done before, finding myself turning to my Heavenly Father to help me through the things I don't understand because it's so hard being with someone who's been through more emotionally than I'm sure I'll ever have to go through.
I have been happy, sad, mad, disappointed, heartbroken, depressed, ecstatic, thrilled, and all other manner of emotions.
I think about my future, can I see him in it? Yes.
Why is this so hard then? Why does the distance make everything so much more difficult to bear? Why is it that seeing each other every other weekend feels like we're hitting the restart button each time? Why do I feel so helpless lately? It's going to be a very long week and I'm not sure that I will come out of it on top. I really need your prayers this week.
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