Thoughts on Friends
I used to be one of those people that internalized everything. Not so much anymore. Since I've grown up I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I've learned to be myself in the most concentrated version. I've found that the people I have made friends with since this innovated version of myself came around are friends in the truest most sincere form, for if they can stick through all the wild crazyness that is me they could be nothing less.
I learned through the process of elimination that the people in high school that said they were friends often were not. They stuck around for all of the good and some of the bad but once their life changed in some way, usually the addition of a significant other, they vanished from my side. I've never been one to understand this philosophy. When you get a boyfriend or girlfriend why would you desire to let go of your friends? When that person dumps you, cheats on you, or treats you like just plain old shit they are the people that clean up the mess when it's all over. Friends are the ones that hold your hand and pat your head while you cry your eyes out over unrequited love.
One person that really sticks out in my mind as a Friend in Truest form is Alaina.
We met and became instant friends at Freshman Orientation in college. She was there for all my ups and downs. I fought with my roommate and she let me stay in her dorm room. We were in the Homecoming parade together. Alaina was there for my first drink, my first "love", and many heartaches. She held my hand when I cried, she listened to me pour out my soul time and time again and I doubt I will ever EVER have anyone as dear to my heart as Alaina has been. There are things I regret saying and doing, behaviors I wish I could go back and change, Alaina and I stopped being roommates after a while because we just couldn't get along anymore. It was more that her boyfriend was always there and it was awkward trying to move around our appartment since you had to go through her room to get to the bathroom and my bedroom. If we'd had a different floor plan I do believe things would have gone differently. But you can't fix the past and you can't take back terrible things you've done or said so all you can do is appologize profusely and prove to that friend that you still love them no matter what.
Alaina graduated college on time and even went back and got a second degree. I dropped out of college and, in my opinion, ruined my life. I could have done so much better if I'd had her always there reminding me to go to class and helping me with my homework. Instead I replaced her with an idiot male. After she moved we didn't talk for about six months maybe longer. I didn't realize until we started talking again how much I missed her. Once Alaina graduated with her second degree she decided to go to Graduate school clear across the country. She is now living in Portland, Oregon and going to grad school for a degree in Sociology but has decided that at the end of this session of classes that she is going to drop out and go to cullinary school. I am so very proud of her and happy that she's happy. She has a pretty great boyfriend that she lives with and we talk every now and then. I wish we talked more but sometimes I call and then I just don't know what to talk about. I miss the days when we would sit around and just exist together. Sitting on the couch watching TV or laying out getting a tan, partying with the English people, going to dances and clubs together. I miss everything.
I know life changes. It has to. We can't change our past and we can't stop our future. I just wish I could change the fact that we've grown so distant. I make it a point to message and call her as much as possible and we do Christmas and Birthday presents and often send each other hilarious cards. Alaina is one of the few people that has come into my life that I feel really understands who I am. She always understood just what I was trying to say even when I couldn't say it right. I know how few people there are like that in this world and I hope that some day we can be close again... someday. In the meantime I will still call and leave messages and talk to her as much as I can so that we can keep that connection alive. I hate losing friends but to lose a truely great friend is much much harder than any other.
I learned through the process of elimination that the people in high school that said they were friends often were not. They stuck around for all of the good and some of the bad but once their life changed in some way, usually the addition of a significant other, they vanished from my side. I've never been one to understand this philosophy. When you get a boyfriend or girlfriend why would you desire to let go of your friends? When that person dumps you, cheats on you, or treats you like just plain old shit they are the people that clean up the mess when it's all over. Friends are the ones that hold your hand and pat your head while you cry your eyes out over unrequited love.
One person that really sticks out in my mind as a Friend in Truest form is Alaina.
We met and became instant friends at Freshman Orientation in college. She was there for all my ups and downs. I fought with my roommate and she let me stay in her dorm room. We were in the Homecoming parade together. Alaina was there for my first drink, my first "love", and many heartaches. She held my hand when I cried, she listened to me pour out my soul time and time again and I doubt I will ever EVER have anyone as dear to my heart as Alaina has been. There are things I regret saying and doing, behaviors I wish I could go back and change, Alaina and I stopped being roommates after a while because we just couldn't get along anymore. It was more that her boyfriend was always there and it was awkward trying to move around our appartment since you had to go through her room to get to the bathroom and my bedroom. If we'd had a different floor plan I do believe things would have gone differently. But you can't fix the past and you can't take back terrible things you've done or said so all you can do is appologize profusely and prove to that friend that you still love them no matter what.
Alaina graduated college on time and even went back and got a second degree. I dropped out of college and, in my opinion, ruined my life. I could have done so much better if I'd had her always there reminding me to go to class and helping me with my homework. Instead I replaced her with an idiot male. After she moved we didn't talk for about six months maybe longer. I didn't realize until we started talking again how much I missed her. Once Alaina graduated with her second degree she decided to go to Graduate school clear across the country. She is now living in Portland, Oregon and going to grad school for a degree in Sociology but has decided that at the end of this session of classes that she is going to drop out and go to cullinary school. I am so very proud of her and happy that she's happy. She has a pretty great boyfriend that she lives with and we talk every now and then. I wish we talked more but sometimes I call and then I just don't know what to talk about. I miss the days when we would sit around and just exist together. Sitting on the couch watching TV or laying out getting a tan, partying with the English people, going to dances and clubs together. I miss everything.
I know life changes. It has to. We can't change our past and we can't stop our future. I just wish I could change the fact that we've grown so distant. I make it a point to message and call her as much as possible and we do Christmas and Birthday presents and often send each other hilarious cards. Alaina is one of the few people that has come into my life that I feel really understands who I am. She always understood just what I was trying to say even when I couldn't say it right. I know how few people there are like that in this world and I hope that some day we can be close again... someday. In the meantime I will still call and leave messages and talk to her as much as I can so that we can keep that connection alive. I hate losing friends but to lose a truely great friend is much much harder than any other.
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