A Pregnant Pause...
The world around me is pregnant. No lie, friends and family are all exploding with fetuses as we speak. It's actually starting to creep me out a little because I don't think I've ever known this many people in my life to be pregnant at the same time. Don't worry, I am not pregnant.
I am also not jealous at all of their mommy tummies and little peanuts growing inside them. I am not mommy material and I think it's better that I've found that out now than if I were to actually have a small child and then it ends up living in a very unsatisfactory home life because it's mom sucks at being a mom.
What I am jealous of is the very large number of weddings that has also begun to surround me. I've professed how unhurried I am to marry, it's just something I want to do one day...but I'm starting to wonder if I'm not in more of a hurry than I let on. Sitting at a wedding last weekend I had immense pains in my heart as I watched two people much younger than me agree to spend forever loving one another. Sometimes I get very sad after a wedding as I realize that the likelihood of me and someone standing across from one another surrounded by our loved ones is getting less likely by the year. Sometimes I feel like once I reach 30 I've reached my dead zone, I will be destined to walk alone.
Never fear! I don't always feel this way, just after most weddings. Truly I am excited to be embarking upon a new journey in my life. I am praying that things work out for me and I am able to find a job soon and a roommate. I have found the perfect house (and a backup just in case) but it's only perfect if I have a second income helping me pay for it. I just hope in the next two months I am able to not only save enough money to move but that I am also able to find someone to live with and that everything kinda works out the way it needs to.
I do want to clarify something before I go, while I do not believe that I would ever be an even remotely decent mother, I am in awe of all the women that take on that challenge...and with gusto. These women are heroes in my eyes. Keep up the amazing work ladies!
I am also not jealous at all of their mommy tummies and little peanuts growing inside them. I am not mommy material and I think it's better that I've found that out now than if I were to actually have a small child and then it ends up living in a very unsatisfactory home life because it's mom sucks at being a mom.
What I am jealous of is the very large number of weddings that has also begun to surround me. I've professed how unhurried I am to marry, it's just something I want to do one day...but I'm starting to wonder if I'm not in more of a hurry than I let on. Sitting at a wedding last weekend I had immense pains in my heart as I watched two people much younger than me agree to spend forever loving one another. Sometimes I get very sad after a wedding as I realize that the likelihood of me and someone standing across from one another surrounded by our loved ones is getting less likely by the year. Sometimes I feel like once I reach 30 I've reached my dead zone, I will be destined to walk alone.
Never fear! I don't always feel this way, just after most weddings. Truly I am excited to be embarking upon a new journey in my life. I am praying that things work out for me and I am able to find a job soon and a roommate. I have found the perfect house (and a backup just in case) but it's only perfect if I have a second income helping me pay for it. I just hope in the next two months I am able to not only save enough money to move but that I am also able to find someone to live with and that everything kinda works out the way it needs to.
I do want to clarify something before I go, while I do not believe that I would ever be an even remotely decent mother, I am in awe of all the women that take on that challenge...and with gusto. These women are heroes in my eyes. Keep up the amazing work ladies!
3 Share The Love:
"Sometimes I feel like once I reach 30 I've reached my dead zone, I will be destined to walk alone."
Does this mean I'm doomed? :)
Nope...because not everyone feels the same as me :-) I know women that find their spouse at 35 or 40 but for some reason I seem to have given myself a time clock and apparently my time is up at 30 :-/ That's pretty stupid huh?
Hahahaha. I know what you mean about the pregnant. I never thought when I got pregnant this last time that I would be pregnant with SO MANY other people. I know literally 8 other women (7 from my ward) who are due the same month as me. It's crazy!
As for being a terrible mother... you never know. Before I got married, heck, even WHEN I got married, I didn't want kids. I always disliked them actually. And after 3 years of marriage I thought it might be an interesting challenge. When I was pregnant I had a lot of worries that I was going to hate this and what had I been thinking...Well, I ended up LOVING the one I had so unexpectedly. You never know what you're capable of. Truly.
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