Only Time Will Tell
I did it again, I let myself fall back into the old habits and now I'm paying for it. I can't seem to stick to a routine these days, it is certainly driving me crazy. Around this time last year I had lost so much weight and was feeling almost brand new, it's insane to think that not only did I put it all back on but added 10 to it. I am so tired of the struggle...I want to be good at this, and some people say if you want something bad enough you will have it. My problem is, I'm terrible at sticking with goals...I really am shocked I made it through that diet alone for so long. Well, I wasn't completely alone, I did have Kelley's experience and advice to turn to. Added to my weight gain has been the change in atmosphere for me. I am working constantly at two different jobs where I'm always moving and I honestly thought that would be a good cure for the fat, but I was definitely wrong on that. I took some time off and went camping, which was an amazing trip and a story for another post, but I think between the backpacking up and down a mountain, sleeping on the ground, oh and my two very physically demanding jobs, my body couldn't handle it anymore.
For the first time in my life I rode an ambulance to an ER. It's a long drawn out and very painful story and needless to say, if I don't change my habits, it may not be my last visit.
In all the times I've experienced back pain in the last 5 years or so, it's never been so bad that I couldn't at least walk slowly from one room to the next. This time, I couldn't even stand the pain was so tremendous. Nathan came and "rescued me from my 3rd floor prison" (his words) and took me to his parent's house where my pain continued to worsen and my ability to move deteriorated further. After nearly blacking out three times from the pain and screaming when he tried to pick me up from the bed to get me into the car to take me to the hospital, I finally consented (not very willingly mind you, I don't have health insurance currently) to let them call an ambulance. Five hours, a lot of hand holding, and probably enough drugs to put down a baby elephant later, I left the Emergency Room and was taken back to Nate's parent's couch.
A week later and I am laying on the couch in my own living room, wishing I was a different person than I am. I know I can change, people do it all the time, and I certainly have a great deal of motivation...but for some reason I just keep struggling with that change. It seems so simple and small, just eat healthier, baby steps, start working out a little bit every day. I guess that only time will tell if I will be able to break through this wall of paralyzing self doubt and move on to become someone who lives a healthier life and doesn't have to have ridiculously painful back surgery one day.
For the first time in my life I rode an ambulance to an ER. It's a long drawn out and very painful story and needless to say, if I don't change my habits, it may not be my last visit.
In all the times I've experienced back pain in the last 5 years or so, it's never been so bad that I couldn't at least walk slowly from one room to the next. This time, I couldn't even stand the pain was so tremendous. Nathan came and "rescued me from my 3rd floor prison" (his words) and took me to his parent's house where my pain continued to worsen and my ability to move deteriorated further. After nearly blacking out three times from the pain and screaming when he tried to pick me up from the bed to get me into the car to take me to the hospital, I finally consented (not very willingly mind you, I don't have health insurance currently) to let them call an ambulance. Five hours, a lot of hand holding, and probably enough drugs to put down a baby elephant later, I left the Emergency Room and was taken back to Nate's parent's couch.
A week later and I am laying on the couch in my own living room, wishing I was a different person than I am. I know I can change, people do it all the time, and I certainly have a great deal of motivation...but for some reason I just keep struggling with that change. It seems so simple and small, just eat healthier, baby steps, start working out a little bit every day. I guess that only time will tell if I will be able to break through this wall of paralyzing self doubt and move on to become someone who lives a healthier life and doesn't have to have ridiculously painful back surgery one day.
1 Share The Love:
I am so sorry Ariel. No health insurance is definitely a major temporal problem. Fortunately the temporal problems usually SEEM like a huge deal but the Spiritual ones seem to be the ones that hold us back the most. I have a dear friend who is going through similar issues with maintaining a healthy lifestyle and she has come to the point in realizing that the problem must be solved both in a temporal way AND a spiritual way. Bringham Young said boldly that there is nothing purely temporal or purely spiritual. You can't affect one without affecting the other. You should read my friend's blog (listed as simply "Erin") because while I am not going through anything of the same realm I understand and am uplifted simply by sharing in her journey. I do have some understanding for your situation though. I gained so much weight with my last pregnancy and so am taking much longer to lose the weight. I'm actually stalled at the moment probably largely due to the fact that with Brad gone so long, I'm simply lonely and cookies can be very comforting after a long day of enduring. I have felt, while carrying 20 extra pounds, my body is so much more easily tired and I am experiencing aches and pains that I never have before. I wake up and getting out of bed is physically painful. I know this is because of the extra stress of carrying 20 extra pounds constantly. I feel some of your pain.
Other than empathy for your plight I STRONGLY suggest you watch President Uchtdorf's talk from the general relief society meeting this last conference if you havent already. Shoot, watch it again even if you have. I am SO serious and I really think it will help you gain some much needed perspective. I'll be praying for you!
Post a Comment